Reading a recent online post, I was struck by the author's thoughts on the "I-statement." She was referring to the sometimes tricky communication technique by which I express to you a need, a feeling, or a request, by putting the responsibility for clarity or understanding on myself, rather than on you. It helps me communicate the impact of your behavior, whether positive or otherwise.

Think of a recent verbal conflict. Did you make accusations like "You always ___! You never ___! You are such a ___! You make me feel ___!"

Notice how the focus of those statements is on the other person--the "you" you are facing in the fight. An "I" statement shifts the focus and helps you express what's going on for you, as in, "I'm feeling surprised at your remark. I need to hear more in order to understand what's behind it. I'm asking you to elaborate." Your conflict partner is less likely to feel defensive, when you leave the "you" out. And you're more likely to connect by stating the need behind your feeling.

Race car drivers – make pit stops to go at top speed.  To get top understanding in a conversation — do the same thing.

Many thanks to Carrol Suzuki (www.listeningbetter.com) for the gift of this post....

"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive." -- Elbert Hubbard

Last week I was offered another lesson at the indoor pool where I swim. Sunday, it seems, has become everyone's favorite day. The pool was packed. Lane designations are important when it's crowded, and two lanes are reserved for slower, leisurely swimmers--like me.

So, I was in the first leisure lane with two other swimmers, while another very slow swimmer was in the second lane. Things were flowing well until three guys got into the second leisure lane with the slower swimmer. They were much faster and kept running into him--literally.

I got upset and finally spoke to the guys...

I learned an emotion management technique from my local paper, in a story about Charles Donald Downing, a centenarian living in York Beach, Maine. 

He and his wife--his "precious Irene"--were married 78 years. Although Irene died earlier this year at the age of 97, Charles reported they "never had a fight in all those years." I agree it's hard to believe. Their secret is that they made agreements with each other, and one of them was this: whenever a disagreement arose or they got angry, one of them would get up and get a drink of water. Then, after the pause, they would begin again, discuss things, and come to a conclusion on what to do.

Defusing difficult or angry customers calmly and assertively benefits the company, the customer, and the service representative. Managing any difficult situation requires clear communication and intention. You improve with practice. And the rewards, both in terms of personal comfort and bottom line profit, are great. The key lies in your ability to manage yourself so that you can manage and support the customer.

Hi -- I'm not writing much today. Instead I'm sharing two YouTube videos, each 4-5 minutes in length. 

I'm indebted to a Ki Moments subscriber for the first one. The title--"An Unlikely Friendship" reminded her of the title of my first book, Unlikely Teachers, and so she sent it my way.

Donna and Bob--An Unlikely Friendship 

The second I found when I plugged "Unlikely Friendships" into the Youtube search engine, just to see what else I might find. Apparently there are quite a lot of unlikely friendships out there, but this one touched me because of the intergenerational nature of it....

(from my new book, Turn Enemies Into Allies: The Art of Peace in the Workplace, to be published April 2019, by Career Press)

Quite a few Ki Moments posts over the years have focused on the power of acknowledgment in difficult conversations. I've even called it the "secret sauce" on occasion, because acknowledgment demonstrates respect for my partner’s position, and respect is a powerful thing.

In aikido, there’s a body movement called tenkan, most often translated as “convert” or “change.” Tenkan “converts” the aikido attack into energy I can use, and is a physical embodiment of acknowledgment...

They sat at the table, preparing for a phone call with their website designer. One by one, they enumerated all the problems with the site so as not to forget anything. The team member taking notes sat back for a minute and thought about the site as a whole. She visualized the new site, and saw there was a lot that was right about it. She asked the group if they thought so, too, and invited some feedback on what was working. There were quite a few things. 

The mood of the gathering changed and became more appreciative. People were smiling instead of frowning.

In my last two posts, I asked you to help me name my new book. And I received so much useful feedback--thank you! I asked for specific suggestions for the title, as well as your vote on the top four. I got all of that and more. I received some really helpful advice. For example:

• I believe the title needs to clearly say what the benefit is to me. It has to get me to go, "Hmmm....," tweak my curiosity and compel me to to pick it up.
• I wouldn't limit it to managers. If it says "leaders," both leaders and managers will think it applies to them.
• The focus should be on WHAT you want to achieve through the book versus HOW. So I'm thinking Aikido isn't necessary for the title despite how integral it is to your message. 
• My "take" is including aikido in your title will distinguish your book from the profusion of books in this field just as aikido distinguishes you professionally.
• The title should make a prospective reader feel like the author "gets them" and knows what they most need and want and fear and hope for.
• The word ‘aikido’ begins to define the book. It would be attractive for a certain segment of the population but might not be helpful for a broader audience.
• "From Adversaries to Partners" paints a vivid picture of the issue (adversaries) to a desired solution (partners), which is much more powerful than just 'getting along'.
• It sounds like the idea is to train the employees to resolve their own conflict so the manager no longer has to be in the middle.
• As you look at all those titles, remember to breathe and pick the one that most resonates for you!

It was tough, because some viewpoints directly contradicted others--just like life! ...

If you read my last post, you know that I'm in the final stages of writing a second book, and that book needs a title. Thank you to everyone who responded--over 35 of you--when I asked for help.

I was delighted! And your suggestions gave me a lot to work with.

If you're willing to continue with me on this journey, I've narrowed the selections down to four, and I'm asking for your help to narrow them down a little more. Like last time, you can record your vote in the "Let’s discuss this post in the comments" section at the bottom of the post, or you can send me an email at judy@judyringer.com. And I'll send you a copy of my new book (in pdf or hard copy--your choice) when it's published.

If you want to know more about the book's premise or read an excerpt, you can find all of that in the original post. Briefly, if you're my intended reader, you are:

• A manager, supervisor, CEO, school principle/superintendent, or HR professional,
• With two staff members who can’t get along,
• And both are valuable to the organization.

As their leader, you are looking for an approach to help your staff resolve their conflict. You're seeking skills for yourself, as well as a process you can follow to coach the parties and eventually bring them together to form a new working relationship...