(from my new book, Turn Enemies Into Allies: The Art of Peace in the Workplace, to be published April 2019, by Career Press)

Quite a few Ki Moments posts over the years have focused on the power of acknowledgment in difficult conversations. I've even called it the "secret sauce" on occasion, because acknowledgment demonstrates respect for my partner’s position, and respect is a powerful thing.

In aikido, there’s a body movement called tenkan, most often translated as “convert” or “change.” Tenkan “converts” the aikido attack into energy I can use, and is a physical embodiment of acknowledgment...

They sat at the table, preparing for a phone call with their website designer. One by one, they enumerated all the problems with the site so as not to forget anything. The team member taking notes sat back for a minute and thought about the site as a whole. She visualized the new site, and saw there was a lot that was right about it. She asked the group if they thought so, too, and invited some feedback on what was working. There were quite a few things. 

The mood of the gathering changed and became more appreciative. People were smiling instead of frowning.

In my last two posts, I asked you to help me name my new book. And I received so much useful feedback--thank you! I asked for specific suggestions for the title, as well as your vote on the top four. I got all of that and more. I received some really helpful advice. For example:

• I believe the title needs to clearly say what the benefit is to me. It has to get me to go, "Hmmm....," tweak my curiosity and compel me to to pick it up.
• I wouldn't limit it to managers. If it says "leaders," both leaders and managers will think it applies to them.
• The focus should be on WHAT you want to achieve through the book versus HOW. So I'm thinking Aikido isn't necessary for the title despite how integral it is to your message. 
• My "take" is including aikido in your title will distinguish your book from the profusion of books in this field just as aikido distinguishes you professionally.
• The title should make a prospective reader feel like the author "gets them" and knows what they most need and want and fear and hope for.
• The word ‘aikido’ begins to define the book. It would be attractive for a certain segment of the population but might not be helpful for a broader audience.
• "From Adversaries to Partners" paints a vivid picture of the issue (adversaries) to a desired solution (partners), which is much more powerful than just 'getting along'.
• It sounds like the idea is to train the employees to resolve their own conflict so the manager no longer has to be in the middle.
• As you look at all those titles, remember to breathe and pick the one that most resonates for you!

It was tough, because some viewpoints directly contradicted others--just like life! ...

If you read my last post, you know that I'm in the final stages of writing a second book, and that book needs a title. Thank you to everyone who responded--over 35 of you--when I asked for help.

I was delighted! And your suggestions gave me a lot to work with.

If you're willing to continue with me on this journey, I've narrowed the selections down to four, and I'm asking for your help to narrow them down a little more. Like last time, you can record your vote in the "Let’s discuss this post in the comments" section at the bottom of the post, or you can send me an email at judy@judyringer.com. And I'll send you a copy of my new book (in pdf or hard copy--your choice) when it's published.

If you want to know more about the book's premise or read an excerpt, you can find all of that in the original post. Briefly, if you're my intended reader, you are:

• A manager, supervisor, CEO, school principle/superintendent, or HR professional,
• With two staff members who can’t get along,
• And both are valuable to the organization.

As their leader, you are looking for an approach to help your staff resolve their conflict. You're seeking skills for yourself, as well as a process you can follow to coach the parties and eventually bring them together to form a new working relationship...

I'm writing a new book. In fact, it's written. But there's still a lot to do--like the title. I have a working title, but I'm not completely satisfied with it. As I swam laps this morning, I thought: I'll do a bit of crowdsourcing and ask my Ki Moments subscribers what they think of the title, and invite them to offer alternatives.

To help you, below are some facts about the book, a question, and an excerpt. You can offer any suggestions in the "Let’s discuss this post in the comments" section at the bottom of the post on my website, or you can send me an email at judy@judyringer.com. And I'll send everyone who replies a copy of my new book (maybe with your title!) when it's published. Thanking you in advance.... here we go....

Ugh. The guilt.

The morning started off so well. Early morning sunshine filtering through the windows as I sat with my coffee, journaling, thinking about how my life could be better and what I could do to make it so.

And then I read something in the paper that changed my morning and made me reflect in an entirely different way...

I watched the movie Frozen again recently. 

It's a vivid, delightful, and tender demonstration of the limits (and dangers) of either-or thinking and the beauty and power of switching to a mindset of both-and.

The benefits of both-and thinking are most evident when problems are complex and stakeholders seek long-term, sustainable solutions. It's the kind of thinking we need in our world and that, from this blogger's perspective at least, is sadly lacking. Yet it also applies in other contexts...

There's no such thing as bad weather, only inappropriate clothing.

When I ask workshop participants and coaching clients what they're hoping to gain from our work together and we begin to write down goals, they often say they want to learn how not to take the conflict personally. It's a very common theme.

I look at this a lot, because I want that, too. In Don Miguel Ruiz's insightful book, The Four Agreements, one of the agreements he suggests we make with ourselves to have a happier life is just this: "Don't Take Things Personally."

Benjamin Zander, author, motivational speaker, and conductor of the Boston Philharmonic, often quotes his father as saying, "There is no such thing as bad weather, only inappropriate clothing."

I live in New Hampshire where winter can make each day a challenge. And, especially when I have to travel in snow and ice, I can even take the weather personally! 

So how to we actually do it--not take things personally?

I decided to listen to my own CD yesterday. Driving home from a long distance errand, I put the disk in and was surprised at how it calmed me down and lifted me up--support I needed in that moment. 

I wrote This Little Light: The Gift of Christmas a couple of years ago, and I hadn't listened to it in quite some time. In addition to my work as a conflict and communication skills trainer, I'm also a singer, and holiday carols are some of my favorite songs to sing. And, I like to write. So I combined these two loves in This Little Light--stories and songs of the season...

Such a big topic, isn’t it? Forgiveness? 

I’ve written about it in various contexts before, and it came up again recently. A subscriber wrote about "a family situation where there has been a lot of hurt," tracing back to growing up without learning how to share feelings or manage conflict well. He asked me for advice on how to practice forgiveness and offer an apology when they might not be reciprocated.

"I know that I've hurt them, too," he said. "But I'm not sure how to forgive when I haven't received an apology. And I don't want to appear to be the one giving in, though I know that's not the most sacred approach."

I was touched by the writer's honesty and grabbed once again by the questions surrounding forgiveness. When I think of forgiving my own difficult people, I have similar questions...