Support for life’s “key” moments.
Each January, I ask myself what I'm hoping for in the year ahead, what personal conflicts I want to resolve, relationships I want to nurture. And I imagine how the year might unfold.
If you're like me, some energy is probably flowing more freely in this new year, while certain relationships and life situations could benefit from more clarity, more honesty, and more freedom....
Adapted from Unlikely Teachers: Finding the Hidden Gifts in Daily Conflict, by Judy Ringer
Driving home late one night during the first snow of the season, I hit a patch of ice on a slippery bridge and struck the barrier that separates the bridge from the air and the water. I careened off one side of the bridge, slid across three lanes of Interstate 95, and scraped along the barrier on the opposite side.
Luckily there weren’t any other cars nearby.
As I slid on the frozen surface, my first awareness was fear. Then, as the car connected with the barrier, I was jolted into a powerfully present state of being. What flashed through my mind was: I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I’m going to be here for it.
Then, deep calm, peace, and presence....
How often do I revisit what I teach? Almost every day.
When the difficult, courageous, crucial, purposeful or just plain hard-to-hold conversation is imminent, I get out my "Checklist", tips, and resources. I call supportive friends and get to work on myself--looking inward to see what makes "this" one different, challenging, and off-putting.
I know I'm not the only one who's tentative about these conversations. In fact, most recently I've noticed a plethora of articles on the subject, which all pretty much say the same thing.
I'm revisiting the topic today with a few of the most common coaching suggestions....
I had the good fortune recently to be reminded of Amanda Gorman's poem, "The Hill We Climb". At 22, Gorman was the youngest person ever to deliver a poem at a U.S. presidential inauguration as Joe Biden amd Kamala Harris were sworn in as President and Vice President.
These are tumultuous times, and we/I -- I'll speak for myself -- have days when I fear for my country's future and it's ability to recover from innumerable onslaughts, both internal and external.
"The Hill We Climb" brought hope today, and I share it here. If you like, you can watch again the Amanda Gorman's beautiful delivery on the Library of Congress website....
While I've written often over the years about the kind of conversations many of us put off (or never have) because it's just too hard, I believe wholeheartedly (and know from experience) that these tough conversations are the ones we need to have the most. If held well, they can build or rescue a relationship, find an elegant solution to a knotty problem, and even be energizing and thought-provoking....
My husband called me to the kitchen window a few days ago and asked me what I thought was attached to (and hanging from) the squirrel's nest in the bushes that line our driveway. It looked like a dead rabbit, but it couldn't be, right? Too heavy! We stared at the thing for several minutes trying to understand what we were seeing. Then it moved--Woh! Could it be a live rabbit? A squirrel? Something else?
The bush is only ten yards from the window but we couldn't figure it out.
My last two posts in September and October gave some context on the next steps I'm taking into the unknown. It's weird. I don't know how not to be busy, how not to be engaged in an endeavor that gives back so much. I'm not sure what that's going to be like.
You may ask, "Then why stop?" And I'm not totally sure of the answer. I love what I do - I still have some work as I write this - and I also have a sense that this is a good time to bring this part of my worklife to a close. It's an interesting, thought-provoking, exciting place to be.
I sometimes listen to the Calm app when I'm meditating. Recently Jeff Warren, one of their authors and a meditator, said...
Have you ever tried to resolve a conflict where one of the parties wasn't all that interested in resolution? Maybe it was you.
Perhaps you acted as if you wanted to find resolution and said all the right things:
Maybe you did your best to adopt an inquiring stance, saying things like,
But nothing seemed to work because you weren’t really that interested if it meant you had to change—and so you didn’t commit to the process.
It seems that "difficult" conversations are par for the course these days. And even the conversation that starts out easy can turn on a dime. We're all a little on guard, a little careful, in our choice of words, timing, and topics we agree to talk about.
A popular download from my website is an article I wrote 15 years ago called "We Have to Talk: A Step-by-Step Checklist for Difficult Conversations". The Checklist is popular, and I realize after reading it again that I could have added a few more helpful tips, such as setting up the conversation for success, respecting time, and choosing a supportive location. I hope the following will help you hold a conversation that perhaps you've been putting off in a way that supports all parties.
Indeed.
I visit curiosity often in these posts. Curiosity--a key communication skill that helps us manage our ki (energy) in times of stress, struggle, and conflict.
One of my favorite curiosity stories was written back in August, 2013: "I'd Actually Have to Be Curious!" I was reminded of the story recently when my husband said: "I'm just curious," and asked me a question like, "What makes you want to do it that way?"
The Power & Presence site is designed to help the reader discover answers, skills, and methods to resolve conflict, build relationships, and become a more powerful and present human being. Judy Ringer is the author.
Aikido is the metaphor we use to help you be more intentional with your ki, communicate purposefully, and create your life and work from center.
Ki (pronounced “key”) is Japanese for universal energy; it’s the central syllable in Aikido, which is often translated as “the way of blending with energy”.
This is an educational website with many free resources.
Enjoy!