How often do I revisit what I teach? Almost every day.

When the difficult, courageous, crucial, purposeful or just plain hard-to-hold conversation is imminent, I get out my "Checklist", tips, and resources. I call supportive friends and get to work on myself--looking inward to see what makes "this" one different, challenging, and off-putting.

I know I'm not the only one who's tentative about these conversations. In fact, most recently I've noticed a number of articles on the subject, which all pretty much say the same thing.

I'm revisiting the topic today with a few of the most common coaching suggestions.

As they say--"It's not rocket science". I think it would be easier if it were.

The difficult conversation engages body, mind and spirit, challenges our emotional center, and requires a full-on commitment to curiosity, empathy, acknowledgement and advocacy all at the same time.

All this said, I encourage you to hold these conversations. Regardless of the outcome you will learn something and you'll improve your ability to hold them in the future. Perhaps most important, however, when you hold the conversation well, you will begin to create peace. Whether in your family, workplace, community or the larger world, we need your voice.

Here are those suggestions that seem to surface regardless of the resource:

Prepare and Practice

What do you want to accomplish? What's your greater purpose for holding the conversation? For example, are you curious about why your conflict partner holds their particular view or behaves the way they do? Would you like them to understand your view or where you differ? Perhaps you'd like to strengthen the relationship. 

Find a purpose you have some ability to achieve. A goal to change the other person's thinking or behavior is not useful, because only they can do that. 

Practice with a friend or coach who will support and challenge you. I read recently how we can now use a "chatbot" to practice. A recent Wall Street Journal article talks about how to program an AI chatbot to role-play a tough conversation before you hold it.

Center yourself before, during and after. Enter the conversation with a positive thought that something good will come from the engagement. Starting with a noble purpose and positive intent and returning there during the conversation works wonders.

Ask Useful Questions and Listen as an Ally

If you're not sure what "listening as an ally" means, you're not alone. Most of the time, and especially when we're challenged, we listen as an adversary, often with contempt, and waiting for an opening to set the other person straight. Really and truly listening to understand and to see where our conflict partner is coming from and intuit their hopes and goals requires something from us.

It means we must step to their side in a way and see what they see. We have to stop our inner dialogue and be present with them. This takes courage and practice, and it's the most rewarding practice of all. I may not agree with this person, but I see their humanity.

Learn to ask open-ended, purposeful questions to help your partner reflect on their hopes and goals. You may not change them, but they can change themselves. When you get out of the way by asking questions, listening actively and acknowledging what you hear, they begin to see and hear themselves in ways that are new and can be transformational.

Take a Breath

If things get heated, return to center and to your positive intent for holding the conversation.

Talk About What's Next

When you've both had the opportunity to hear each other out, ask your partner their thoughts about moving forward. Maybe it's another conversation, maybe it's how you will both behave differently in the future. I like to ask my partner for their thoughts first, knowing I can disagree or add to them or be happily surprised that their thoughts align with my own.

It's Up To You

Remember -- When you change, everything changes. People ask me, "What if they won't change?" Or, "What if they don't want to resolve the conflict?" The thing is, we are the only one we control. The ability to re-center, stay on purpose, and continue to be curious instead of "right", to think "relationship" versus how to win the argument, these are what keep me in the conversation. I'm always asking, "What can I learn here?" And trying to be fascinated rather than fearful.

You can do this. The world needs your voice.

Good ki!