Showing posts in the category “Communication”

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• August 1, 2023
  1Aug2023

  Unresolvable Conflict? Maybe It’s You

  

  Have you ever tried to resolve a conflict where one of the parties wasn't all that interested in resolution? Maybe it was you.

  Perhaps you acted as if you wanted to find resolution and said all the right things: 

  • “Let’s find a way to move forward”
  • “I know we can work this out.” 

  Maybe you did your best to adopt an inquiring stance, saying things like,

  • “Please tell me how you see it.”

  But nothing seemed to work because you weren’t really that interested if it meant you had to change—and so you didn’t commit to the process.

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• May 1, 2023
  1May2023

  Talking Together: Setting Up Successful Conversations

  

  It seems that "difficult" conversations are par for the course these days. And even the conversation that starts out easy can turn on a dime. We're all a little on guard, a little careful, in our choice of words, timing, and topics we agree to talk about.

  A popular download from my website is an article I wrote 15 years ago called "We Have to Talk: A Step-by-Step Checklist for Difficult Conversations". The Checklist is popular, and I realize after reading it again that I could have added a few more helpful tips, such as setting up the conversation for success, respecting time, and choosing a supportive location. I hope the following will help you hold a conversation that perhaps you've been putting off in a way that supports all parties.

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• April 1, 2023
  1Apr2023

  Curiosity Revisited

  

  Indeed.

  I visit curiosity often in these posts. Curiosity--a key communication skill that helps us manage our ki (energy) in times of stress, struggle, and conflict.

  One of my favorite curiosity stories was written back in August, 2013: "I'd Actually Have to Be Curious!" I was reminded of the story recently when my husband said: "I'm just curious," and asked me a question like, "What makes you want to do it that way?" 

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• February 1, 2023
  1Feb2023

  How to Be A Better Listener

  

  I was walking with a friend who said she'd been having trouble sleeping. I listened for a bit and then began to share some practices I thought would be helpful when she wakes up in the middle of the night. We're good friends and our relationship weathered this advice-giving diversion on my part. She told me she appreciated the intervention, but what she really wanted was for me to hear her frustration. 

  Have you ever "shifted" a conversation to yourself and your story when you thought you were empathizing, helping, or adding relevance? ...

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• December 1, 2022
  1Dec2022

  Death As An Ally

  

  Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon? Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

  —Mary Oliver**

  Something there is that doesn't love a wall....

  --Robert Frost*

  I have been gifted recently with opportunities to think about life, what life is about and for, and what I in particular am here to do with my "one wild and precious life." 

  This past year a good, good friend died too young, a close family member became quite ill, another is aging physically and emotionally, and yet another is suffering grief over an ailing child....

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• October 1, 2022
  1Oct2022

  Everyday Aikido: Managing Yourself

  

  It's a very ancient saying, but a true and honest thought, that if you become a teacher, by your pupils you'll be taught.

  -- Getting to Know You, The King and I

  I love the truth of this song from The King and I. I always learn more from my students and from the people I coach than I impart. Yes, I'm the instructor. I share concepts, tools, skills, and experiences from Aikido. It's the student, however, who is the expert in their life. Only they have the wisdom and ability to implement what they're learning. They understand the difficulty of their conflict in ways I cannot, and how what they're experiencing on the mat might apply in their everyday life (or not).

  Recently I was privileged to work with college students whose professor assigned them the task of journaling about their experience on the mat after the class was over (we were fortunate to have real mats and practice physical Aikido). 

  As I read through their journal entries, I knew what my next post would be. I hope you learn as much from the writing of these young  people as I did. Names have been changed. Sentiments are real....

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• August 1, 2022
  1Aug2022

  The Elephant in the Room

  

  My guest post this month is by colleague and friend, Cinnie Noble, whose work as conflict management coach, author and teacher I have long admired.

  We talk about "the elephant in the room" all the time, and Cinnie's post helped me explore my own "elephants" and gain insight into how to acknowledge and work with them.

  THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM, by Cinnie Noble

  As you likely know, when we use the metaphor – an elephant in the room – we mean there’s an obvious problem about which everyone in the room is fully aware but no one mentions. It may be an important topic that is too uncomfortable, controversial, embarrassing, inflammatory, or dangerous for people to raise.

  An elephant in the room might also represent the unspoken hurts or words. They are what is going on between disputing people that isn’t being said. They are the lingering doubts and the niggling feelings. They are the missing pieces of the puzzle. They are present without being identified....

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• June 1, 2022
  1Jun2022

  Simple Gifts and Ki Moments

  

  Self-imposed limits often instigate Ki Moments. When my ki feels stuck or restricted, I find it helps to ask how much of the restriction is of my own making? We are always making moment-to-moment choices about how to express our ki – whether and when to communicate about a conflict, for instance.

  My frustration with a neighbor and his new drums caused me to examine my options, when I found my ki stuck wondering whether and how to communicate....

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• May 1, 2022
  1May2022

  The Struggle Between "For" and "Against"

  I've been reading a book called The Righteous Mind: Why Good People Are Divided by Politics and Religion, by Jonathan Haidt, where I found the poem that leads this post. It should be no surprise that the poem struck me as a huge reason people are so divided these days. I don't know about you, but whenever a potentially divisive topic comes up in conversation, like vaccines, school choice, parent's rights, pro-life/pro-choice (I could keep going), I feel I should take a side. And if I won't, I feel judged as having taken one anyway! ...

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• April 1, 2022
  1Apr2022

  Finding Joy in Difficult Times: Being Intentional

  

  I introduced last month's Ki Moments post, "Love's In Need of Love Today," saying I can see love everywhere if I look for it. I feel the same this month about finding joy.

  While I'm sometimes happily and luckily surprised by joy (a butterfly floats by, my crocuses are coming up!) it seems that lately I have to make a more conscious effort.

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