Ki Moments Blog

Support for life’s “key” moments.

September 1, 2006

Ki Moments September 2006

Welcome to your September issue of Ki Moments.

Thank you for subscribing. My goal is to offer brief articles and tips on how to transform your "key" moments of conflict into useful and positive energy.

Don't hesitate to pass along this e-newsletter! There is a link at the bottom of the page to make it simple. (We never share subscriber information.)

July's Ki Moments began a series of articles on how to get your point across in difficult conversations, by "Finding Your Voice." August continued the series with "The Power of Not Knowing." Today, we focus on Step 3: Framing Your Message.

Good Ki!

Judy Ringer

Framing Your Message: It's Your Turn

By giving your partner the freedom to deliver his ideas, he is more open to receiving yours. In fact, he's eager to hear your reflections. He's thinking, "Wow, I just made some great points. I can't wait to hear what she has to say about them!" Now that you have his attention, frame your message so that it is more likely to be heard.

  1. Look for one thing you can agree with and build on. For example, don't start with, "You are really out of line," or "You don't know what you're talking about." Rather: "John, you've obviously put a lot of thought into this. I like what you said about ..." Be sincere. You're not manipulating, you're stepping into another human being's shoes. And a real interest in "What makes this person tick?" will accomplish much more than "How can I get this person to do what I want?".
  2. Change your thinking from getting your point across to offering information that may be of value. The listener is more likely to receive your offer favorably if it helps him achieve his goals, look good, or save face. For example, "John, from what you're saying, you believe you're doing a good job and living up to the requirements of the job description. I have a slightly different take on it, and I have some ideas about how you can advance in your career by making a few simple changes."
  3. Educate, don't sell, blame, or accuse. Teach your partner what things look like from your perspective. When an employee, student, or loved one acts contrary to expectations, respectfully describe the feelings that ensued or the resulting impact. Assume the person has positive intent, and try to help him to live up to that assumption.
  4. Communicate your hopes and goals. When you're disappointed, let others in on your expectations. For example, "When you said you would have the spreadsheet ready Tuesday, I took you at your word. My hope is that we all recognize the importance of deadlines on a project as time sensitive as this one. Can you tell me what happened and what we can do to remedy the situation?"

Do You Want to Win or Solve the Problem?

In the end, you may find that "getting your point across" is language that presumes a contest of wills and that there are more efficient ways to achieve your objective. You are less likely to create defensiveness in the listener when you disclose your thinking, acknowledge his, maintain respect, and establish consequences.

Stay tuned for the final chapter of Getting Your Point Across in October!

You'll find more information on "Being Heard" on the Articles page of

Upcoming Workshops

Nothing fosters change like reinforcing and practicing new skills. Register early for these fall and winter workshops offered by Power & Presence Training:

September 27, 9 - 4, Pease Tradeport, Portsmouth, NH
Based on Judy's recently released book, this new one-day workshop with Judy Ringer and Joy Jacobs will help you reframe and manage your most difficult life attacks.
(Register by 9/22, and receive an Early Bird tuition discount)

October 18, 9 - 4, Portsmouth, NH
Gain skills and confidence expressing yourself, acknowledging others, and transforming difficult conversations into learning conversations.

December 13, 9 - 4, Portsmouth, NH
Using Thomas Crum's aiki approach to dealing with conflict, learn to transform your workplace and family relationships by managing yourself and your reactions.

Visit for details and registration information.

Power & Presence Newsletter

Your personal copy of Power & Presence, our more extensive (print) newsletter is attached below as a pdf file. Power & Presence offers new articles and additional resources on conflict and communication. "A Clash of Civilizations" describes a conflict between spouses and how we might become more purposeful in relationships with those we love most. Enjoy it with our compliments.
Download my copy of Power & Presence

Portsmouth Aikido Beginner Class

Many of the principles reflected in Ki Moments come from aikido, the Japanese martial art that teaches self-defense through the redirection of energy.

If you're interested in learning aikido, Portsmouth Aikido is an ongoing martial arts school located at the Seacoast Family Y in Portsmouth. Classes are held on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 7:45 p.m., Fridays at 6:45 p.m., and Sundays at 1:00 and 2:15 p.m. You can stop by anytime and watch a class.

The next Aikido Beginner Class will start 0ctober 1. The six-week course will run through November 5, from 1:00 to 2:00 p.m. each Sunday. The cost is $75.00 per person for the course and includes a Portsmouth Aikido t-shirt. Anyone aged 12 or older is welcome.
Learn more about Portsmouth Aikido.

Contact Information
Judy Ringer
Power & Presence Training
76 Park Street
Portsmouth, NH 03801
voice: 603.431.8560

Judy Ringer is Founder of Power & Presence Training, a Portsmouth, NH company specializing in unique workshops to help you and your organization manage conflict, communicate effectively, and co-create a more positive work environment. E-mail Judy at for a free initial meeting to discuss your training needs.

Ki (from Ai-ki-do) is Japanese for life energy. Ki Moments is a complimentary monthly "e-zine" with tips and how-to articles to help you manage the key moments in your life.

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