Ki Moments Blog

Support for life’s “key” moments.

August 1, 2006

Ki Moments August 2006

Welcome to your August issue of Ki Moments.

Thank you for subscribing. My goal is to offer brief articles and tips on how to have stronger relationships, communicate more effectively, and transform your "key" moments of conflict into useful and positive energy.

Don't hesitate to pass along this e-newsletter! There is a link at the bottom of the page to make it simple. (We never share subscriber information.)

July's Ki Moments began a series of articles on how to get your point across in difficult conversations. The first step was Finding Your Voice by understanding your goal for the conversation. This month, we'll focus on Step 2: Understanding Your Adversary's Goals. And in September, Step 3 will suggest ways to Frame Your Message so that it can be heard and acted upon.

Read last month's Ki Moments.

Good Ki!

Judy Ringer

The Power of Not Knowing: Understanding Your Adversary

Most of the time, your eagerness to get your point across guarantees that you won't. It seems the harder you push to be heard, the harder they push back.

How do you create a willing listener? It's easy: be one. Being heard is exactly what the other person wants, too. So give what you would like to receive and see what happens.

In aikido, I physically align with my partner as he attacks. I move to face the same direction, unite with the attack energy, and redirect it toward mutual safety and resolution. We become partners in a flowing, cooperative dance.

In a difficult conversation when I want to get my point across, I create alignment through "Not-Knowing." I pretend I don't know anything about this person or their goals (I actually don't), and I try to learn what's important to them, what they're really going for, and how what I'm offering might fit with their goals.

I enter the Land of Not-Knowing

When I remember how absolutely little I know about this other human being, I relax for a moment. I become interested. It's quite a lovely place to be: undemanding, stress-free, a place of no expectations. I get to just sit there and be a learner, a child at play. Why do I need to pretend I know everything anyway?

How To Do It

The easiest way to move from critic to curious is to ask a question you don't know the answer to. Get the person talking about something they love to talk about - even if it's the opposite of what you want or believe. Watch their expression, listen to their voice, and notice how they change when they can talk without worrying about being stopped or judged.

To listen without judgment is an amazingly powerful skill, even more powerful when you don't agree with the speaker. Observe what happens when you find this power. Remember that listening does not equal agreement, and that you will have a chance to deliver your message, too, possibly with more success now that you've heard what's important to your partner.

Framing your message will be the subject of September's Ki Moments. Stay tuned!
Read past issues of Ki Moments here.

Conscious Communication

Our goal in conscious communication is not to change the other person ... Our goal is to establish connection.

Andrew LeCompte, Creating Harmonious Relationships

Upcoming Workshops

Nothing fosters change like reinforcing and practicing new skills. Register early for these fall and winter workshops offered by Power & Presence Training:

September 27, 9 - 4, Pease Tradeport, Portsmouth, NH
Based on Judy's recently released book, this new one-day workshop with Judy Ringer and Joy Jacobs will help you reframe and manage your most difficult life attacks.

October 18, 9 - 4, Portsmouth, NH
Gain skills and confidence expressing yourself, acknowledging others, and transforming difficult conversations into learning conversations.

December 13, 9 - 4, Portsmouth, NH
Using Thomas Crum's aiki approach to dealing with conflict, learn to transform your workplace and family relationships by managing yourself and your reactions.

Visit for details and registration information.

Contact Information
Judy Ringer
Power & Presence Training
76 Park Street
Portsmouth, NH 03801
voice: 603.431.8560

Judy Ringer is Founder of Power & Presence Training, a Portsmouth, NH company specializing in unique workshops to help you and your organization manage conflict, communicate effectively, and co-create a more positive work environment. E-mail Judy at for a free initial meeting to discuss your training needs.

Ki (from Ai-ki-do) is Japanese for life energy. Ki Moments is a complimentary monthly "e-zine" with tips and how-to articles to help you manage the key moments in your life.

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