On the Aikido mat, regardless of one’s rank, there is always a sensei (teacher) with more experience, wisdom, and perspective, to whom the student looks for continual improvement. I am lucky to have such mentors in my life.

My first Aikido sensei was Tom Crum, author of The Magic of Conflict, Three Deep Breaths, and other excellent books on conflict, Aikido, and life. In my March Ki Moments post, “It Takes Two, Correct? Resolving Conflict by Yourself,” I posted that, Conflict is not fun. My own are not fun. And I keep practicing, with each conflict offering the question: "What can I learn here?”

I received a great response from Tom, reminding me to keep examining my beliefs around conflict:

Judy -- Great answer on the "it takes two" question. I nudge you to reconsider the "conflict is not fun" line.

The only thing that keeps it from never being fun is the story we tell ourselves, based on the belief that we are the thoughts in our head and that when those thoughts are negative or differ, then of course we can't be having fun.

But what if we knew the greater truth, that we are Not the voice in our head, that it’s just that crazy roommate within whining and complaining and judging, and that as soon as we create a centered awareness of that dynamic, we will laugh and leave the roommate jabbering and go outside and bask in the joy of the learning that would be void without said conflict.

The real question is why do we keep listening to a roommate who is truly insane by all clinical definitions?

Transforming Conflict

Tom teaches that it is not the conflict but what we do with the conflict that makes all the difference in life. He lives the philosophy that conflict can be transformed from “contest” to “opportunity” by shifting only your thinking--the ultimate means of resolving conflict by yourself--and the impetus, decades later, for my own book on finding the hidden gifts in daily conflict.

But this is not the end of the story. Unbeknownst to Tom, his wife Cathy Crum, lyricist, composer, and good friend, also replied via my blog:

You say, "Conflict is not fun". I love the image of Byron Katie--author of "A Thousand Names for Joy" and "Loving What Is"--sitting at her kitchen table, awaiting with anticipation the next bad feeling to arise within her. She looks forward to each one in order to do "the work" on them. Conflicts may not be fun but they sure can be fulfilling when we put your (and Byron Katie's) suggestions into practice.

Change the Frame

So…..

Thanks, Tom and Cathy, for the timely reminders. And to all of us having “not fun” conflicts… Change the frame and change the game.

• Tell those roommates in your head you are okay without them.
• Take delight in your new awareness around “bad feelings” to breathe, center, and learn.

Practice:

What conflicts have you transformed recently, and how did you do it? Was fun involved?