I was going to write a post about setting boundaries, a life-long practice for me that I still don't always get right. And then Molly Baskette wrote a perfect post on the topic and it landed in my inbox.
Molly is a pastor, author, and workshop leader, whose books and posts I've enjoyed for years. I hope this one brings you some clarity around boundaries....
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Boundaries in Pleasant Places
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance. - Psalm 16:6 (NIV)
As a longtime pastor, I fell hard for the following words from therapist/author Lori Gottleib, and immediately started quoting her in all kinds of conversations:
“Boundaries aren’t about distance—they’re about clarity. They tell others, ‘Here’s how to love me without losing yourself.’”
“Healthy boundaries are an act of connection—they make real intimacy possible.”
“Boundaries aren’t walls. They’re doors. They don’t shut people out. They show people how to come in.”
The unwillingness to set healthy boundaries, and the inability to recognize and respect the boundaries of others, are two big ingredients in a lot of our relational suffering. There are so many ways we love both very well and abominably poorly.
“Here’s how to love me without losing yourself” is a beautiful gospel. The psalmist makes it sound almost too easy. He claims he didn’t have to set boundaries—they just naturally fell “in pleasant places.” I call BS. All healthy boundary-setting is an inside job. We have to do it ourselves if it’s going to happen.
But the psalmist did do this, from which boundary-setting naturally flowed: put God first. If our primary loyalty and love is to God, we can more easily discern what and how to best be in relationship with others. We don’t have to act impulsively, or out of guilt, shame, fear or deeply engrained patterning. Our clarity and call come from the most mature source.
With the basic structure in place—floor, roof and walls of the shelter that God provides our souls–we can show people the door in to relationship with us.
And we can show them the door again if they don’t meet us inside with mutual love and respect.
Prayer
God, may I love and listen to you most of all so I can love all others without losing myself.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Rev. Molly Baskette is the lead pastor of First Church Berkeley UCC and the author of books about church renewal, parenting, spiritual growth and more. Sign up for her author newsletter or get information about her newest book at mollybaskette.com.
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