My last post, "Don't Tell Me To Relax!" drew quite a few email responses--readers grateful for the reminder to center and extend ki (energy) in more intentional ways. The line I quoted from E. E. Cummings--i am through you so I--reinforces the central theme of the post--who we are in any given moment creates that moment and has a huge influence on those around us.

I'm currently reading, The Elephant in the Room: How Relationships Make or Break the Success of Leaders and Organizations, by Diana McLain Smith. The premise of the book is that the quality of your relationships ultimately determines the quality of your life. More than technical skill, our ability to understand how we "dance" with each other in the complex world of relationship is at the epicenter of social and business success. 

McLain Smith's "Anatomy Framework" illustrates just how and why we react as we do to another person's action. She describes how "all relationships have an informal structure that emerges over time out of repetitious patterns." The four interlocking elements that make up that framework are:

• Intersecting actions and reactions--what someone actually says and does and how we react.
• Frames--how our interpretations turn into repetitious ways of seeing each other and reinforce interlocking relationship structures.
• Social contexts--the backdrop to the action and response, such as roles, geography and time pressure. The contexts inform the relationship.

She contrasts what she calls the individual perspective and the relational perspective.

When people take an individual perspective, they assume they alone are right, that this is obvious, and that others don't get it because they are either mad or bad.... In contrast, when people take a relational perspective, they assume that others see things they miss, that reasonable people can disagree, and that it's important that people work together to build relationships strong enough to weather the troubles they will face.

The Elephant in the Room reinforces the importance of looking at my own role in a conflict, disagreement, or unexpected outcome. When I choose to reframe, reconsider, or step back to see my part in the dance, I can make new choices and the dance changes. The relationship flexes and grows. Life flows. 

Thoughts?  I'd love to hear them. Comment below or send me an email.  

Good ki!