Ki Moments Blog

Support for life’s “key” moments.

June 26, 2012

Getting on the Mat: 3 Conflict Management Practices

Getting on the Mat: 3 Conflict Management Practices

(Adapted from Unlikely Teachers: Finding the Hidden Gifts in Daily Conflict, by Judy Ringer)

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Over the spring and summer, I'll be posting favorite stories from my book, Unlikely Teachers: Finding the Hidden Gifts in Daily Conflict. As I mentioned in May, each Ki Moments post through Aug. 7, will contain a new story, full of practices and helpful hints.

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Getting on the Mat: 3 Conflict Management Practices

Practice makes perfect.

~Proverb

A tourist stops a New Yorker on the street and asks:carnegie-hall-practice

“How do you get to Carnegie Hall?” The New Yorker replies: “Practice!”

An old joke, but a good one.

Students of aikido often part saying, “See you on the mat!” Essentially this implies, “I’ll see you at practice,” and it holds a wealth of meaning for the practitioner: "we know we’re in this for the long run, we’ll never be masters, we’ll be practicing all our lives, and we know how grueling and fun and endless and energizing it is."

Practice Makes Perfect

“Getting on the mat” is relevant to numberless “off the mat” experiences as well. We figuratively get on the mat when we:

  • engage in a difficult conversation
  • attempt to resolve a conflict
  • talk with a disrespectful employee, or...
  • go another round with our teenage son or daughter.

on-the-mat-conflict-management-practiceOn the aikido mat, I know that if I want to get better, I must practice. It’s the same with our daily disputes. The advantage of learning a martial art is that I have a practice space designed specifically for that role. Over time, the constant repetition of mental and physical techniques takes hold.

By practicing skills for handling everyday conflict, we can improve in similar ways:

  • In place of rigid attitudes, we practice flexibility and centered presence.
  • Instead of being thrown by conflict, we expand the capacity to move, adapt, and change.
  • And instead of fear, we cultivate awareness.

But the reality is that the only time we practice coping with conflict is when we’re in one. This would be similar to observing a few aikido techniques, then thrown on the mat with four experienced attackers.

Not the best method for learning.

Yet this is often how we confront conflict--unprepared and suddenly in performance mode. How did this happen? How did I get here? It’s not surprising we avoid conflict or rarely see it handled well. Yet when it is, like the beautiful, dance-like movements of aikido, conflict transformation can be breathtaking.

cosmic-unconsciousConflict Management Habits

Lacking preparation, we often apply poor technique. Conflict arises, and we do something. Unfortunately, if we are unskilled, we end up reinforcing conflict management “habits”—unconscious behavior patterns—that are ineffective, inappropriate, or harmful. Because we’re not practiced at anything else, we continue to fall back on these habitual reactions, even if they don’t produce the desired result.

Going to the Dojo: 3 Practice Techniques

To develop new skills and use them consistently, we must practice. Good courses, books, and coaches offer a place to start. Then it’s up to us.

#1) Find your "Dojo"

It helps to have places you can practice safely. The Japanese word dojo means “place of practice,” and it's in the dojo that we can make the mistakes essential to learning.

find-your-dojoWhere can you practice? Do you have a “dojo” where you can try out new skills, make mistakes, and practice improving your technique? Mine is a group of friends. We role-play, offer feedback, and help each other gain insight and skill. We practice.

#2) Baby Steps

Conflict situations that offer minimal risk, such as the petty annoyances that occur throughout the day, offer excellent and safe practice spaces. You’re in a hurry, and you can’t find your briefcase. Stop, take a breath, and center yourself. You’ll find your briefcase faster, and you've begun to establish a useful new habit.

#3) Conflict Coaches

Look for skillful role models—people you admire because of the way they handle adversity. Watch them, emulate their actions, and adopt their attitude toward life.

Practice Under Pressure

The more you practice, the more prepared you’ll feel when challenges arise. Whatever the outcome, reflect on your actions. After the conflict is over, ask:

  • What did I do well?

  • What would I do differently next time?

Find at least one thing you did well. Then mentally replay the scene the way you would like to do it next time.

Invisible Habits

You know you’ve acquired a new habit when it becomes as invisible as the old one.

If you’re asking how long this process takes, ask how long it took to become skilled at the last new hobby you took up or to train for your job? If you’re conscientious and committed, you will see change quickly. And the learning never ends.

Life contains conflict, and learning to handle it gracefully is a lifetime pursuit. So be easy with yourself and find ways to enjoy your practice. You don’t become a black belt in a day, or change conflict habits overnight.

If you want to replace old habits with new ones, get on the mat and start practicing. Carnegie Hall is just down the street.

PracticePractice: Centering

How will you practice? Start with the basics, like centering. When you're centered, you are calm, in control of yourself, and able to choose from any useful options.

  • Center now. Breathe into the center point of your body, an internal locus about two inches below your navel.

  • Breathe consciously. Feel the air flow easily through your nose, head, throat, lungs, and deep into your abdomen. Sit quietly. Relax your mind.

  • Turn a part of your normal routine into a centering practice: a photograph; a frequent action like looking at your watch; a person, place, sound, or object. You can even turn challenging people, places, and things into centering practices!

  • Send me your ideas. I look forward to sharing them.

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