Ki Moments Blog

Support for life’s “key” moments.

December 10, 2013

Meeting Resistance: Accepting What-Is

Meeting Resistance: Accepting What-Is


Oh, you heavenly charmers,
What things you make of us! For what we lack
We laugh, for what we have are sorry, still
Are children in some kind. Let us be thankful
For that which is, and with you leave dispute
That are above our question. Let's go off 
And bear us like the time.

~William Shakespeare, The Two Noble Kinsmen

During the last savasana at the end of yoga practice, a little boy about 4 years old ran in and announced, "It's cold outside in the snow!" in the kind of musical voice that only a 4-year old possesses. We were all lying there silent, so he announced it again, "No, it's reeeeally cold out there in the snow!" We were pouring persperation (it's Bikram Yoga), and we all laughed, infected by his 4-year-old wonder.

Memory: playing with my brother and sisters in the snow outside our little house in Illinois. Building forts and snowmen and throwing snowballs. When did I start dreading snow and cold and winter? When did it become an impediment in my life instead of a wonderland?

I wrote about my resistance to "bad" weather a couple of years ago when I first became aware of the futility of this habit, and you know what -- I'm changing. I've been practicing a new attitude. I catch myself sooner, I re-center, and I accept What-Is.

What-Is

  • The weather
  • Illness
  • Delayed flights
  • Your difficult coworker, boss, employee
  • Your family
  • Internet crime
  • My sore foot
  • Death
  • Taxes

Although we are grateful for much of What-Is, the above are some of the manifestations we resist. I'm sure you can extend the list. Aikido-gives-shape-to-verbal-practice

When I teach workshops on conflict, I use Aikido techniques to give concrete physical shape to useful verbal practices like:

  • Transforming resistance.
  • Turning an adversary into an ally.
  • Being hard on the problem and soft on the people.
  • Moving from certainty to curiosity.

Meeting and transforming resistance is the first step in turning conflict into opportunity. We waste time resisting things we can't control (see above!). What we can change, however, is our relationship to them. When I accept What-Is, I have new power. The energy I was spending in resistance frees up. I see options:

  • The weather is awful! 
  • Oh look, I can curl up with that book! I can play in the snow!
  • Oh no, my flight's delayed.
  • It looks like my flight's delayed. I guess I'll catch up on email and have lunch; watch people; relax.
  • My coworker is hard to get along with.
  • Yes, she is. I accept that. Now what are my options?
  • Shoot, I'm coming down with the flu, and I can't afford to.
  • I'm coming down with the flu. OK. What can I do to take care of myself?

What's fascinating is that when you change, everything changes. While you can't make reality change, when you accept reality, it changes.

  • The event no longer bothers you.
  • The coworker behaves differently.

The invisibility of the relationship baffles. We think we have to do something, exert power on the person or the event. But your true power is internal--an attitude change, a letting go, a decision to work on yourself. The coworker, no longer in reaction to you, has the freedom to behave differently--because they want to, not because they're being asked to.

When you find yourself pushing back against What-Is, take delight. Be happy you noticed yourself in resistance and then smile, re-center, and find where your power is, not where it isn't. 

PracticePractice:

Is there a person, place, or life event you're fighting? Example: You wish things were different from the way they are.

How can you accept What-Is? How does this help you move forward? 

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