Welcome to this Ki Moment.

"Ki" is energy, life force. How is your "Ki" today? Take in a deep, easy breath and let it out slowly. Once more.

You may not think you have time to center yourself, but you don't have time not to. The more centered you are, the easier it is to focus, prioritize, manage your time, and manage yourself as you accomplish each task.

Reading Ki Moments is a great way to come back to center and reinforce useful conflict and communication habits. Let me know what you'd like me to write on. I love questions!

Good ki!

It's Not the Words

"Generally speaking, we respond to others' ways of being toward us rather than to their behavior."
-- The Anatomy of Peace by The Arbinger Institute

As a college drama major, I learned an exercise in which you speak a single sentence repeatedly, each time emphasizing a different word. For example, the first time you speak the sentence you emphasize the first word, as in What do you think we should do? Next time, What do you think we should do? Then, What do you think we should do? And so on.

The point of the exercise is that each change of emphasis changes the meaning of the sentence. The actor learns to reflect and make appropriate choices for the character and the scene.

Participants in my workshops are looking for similar tools to help them deal with conflict and make appropriate choices. They may want to influence an employee to change his behavior, improve a difficult family relationship, or talk with a supervisor about a tough topic. Whatever the conflict, they want to know the words that will foster resolution. They want to say the right thing and avoid saying the wrong thing.

Interestingly, the acting exercise also demonstrates that words can draw us away from the real energy of the scene. If we're too preoccupied with technique, words, costumes, or other details, we can lose sight of the character and the message the play is trying to convey.

Presence is Primary

In order to make appropriate choices for the character, the actor must first imagine the character's purpose and motivation. What does this individual want to accomplish in the scene and in the play? The best actors enter the character's world and see through their eyes.

It's the same in conflict resolution. Too great a focus on verbal techniques and strategies can draw us away from our center and true purpose.

When we're involved in a conflict, the quality of our presence is primary. Am I centered, curious, respectful, and hopeful of resolution?

Do I come to the table with a heart at peace or at war? The words are secondary. If I'm more interested in being right, my words will serve that purpose. I may prevail, while losing more than I win.

By asking ourselves-before we speak what purpose our communication intends to serve, we engage our centered selves. We take responsibility for our thinking and are more likely to express ourselves civilly and successfully.

The quality of our presence, our being, is primary. Words and actions derive from our presence and will either discourage purposeful communication or move us closer to it.