Showing posts with the tag “Difficult Conversations”

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• July 28, 2020
  28Jul2020

  Beyond words

  

  My friend and colleague Amanda Ridings recently wrote a new book, Weekly Leadership Contemplations. I'm really enjoying it and wanted to share one of her pieces with you called "Beyond words".

  As the book title suggests, Weekly Leadership Contemplations offers 52 short pieces, each one ending with questions for contemplation. The book is designed for leaders, and I find it can work its wonders on anyone. I appreciate that Amanda understands the tight schedule most leaders have, and so gives us short pieces with thoughtful questions to reflect on each week.

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• January 28, 2020
  28Jan2020

  I'm About to Learn Something!

  

  Whenever conflict, large or small, comes along we are about to learn something.
  —Donna Schaper, Senior Minister at Judson Memorial Church in New York City.

  I write often about the opportunities inherent in conflict, and about the importance of practice. The concept of practice applies to any skill we want to cultivate and, without doubt, practicing new conflict and communication skills requires some risk-taking.

  Yet, every conversation we engage in can be seen as a kind of practice. In the ones that go well, it may be easier to see the skills we used -- I had a clear purpose, I was centered, I asked some useful questions that helped my partner get to what was really bothering them.

  Yet, in my experience, it is the challenging, difficult, risky conversations that offer the greatest learning....

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• October 22, 2019
  22Oct2019

  Working On Yourself Alone: A Metaskill for Difficult Conversations

  

  I had to have a difficult conversation. I was invited to deliver a training for the organizational development team at a large U.S. tech company. At the last minute the company said they wanted one of their facilitators to partner with me. I was already at the site, and I could see they wanted to give this person (let's call him Max) some experience, and I said OK.

  I explained to Max how to follow my lead. I indicated where he could be of assistance, and asked him to otherwise be an observer of the group. Things went well for a while, but soon Max began to add content, most of which seemed designed to show his expertise but wasn't relevant. When I asked a question of the group, Max spoke instead, taking a "front of the room" position and expanding on the topic.

  At the break I decided to talk with Max. I should tell you first that confronting people is not my favorite thing. My default style in conflict is to accommodate. But there was a job to do here, a group experience at stake, and objectives to be met. A strong purpose to protect the training experience propelled me to speak....

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• October 9, 2018
  9Oct2018

  A Failure to Communicate: Part 3--Consider Your Purpose

  

  I titled this post before I started writing it, with the intention of talking about the one piece of a difficult conversation that steers the ship--my purpose for holding it. Then, it occurred to me that the purpose of any conversation is intimately connected to the purpose for my life, my work, my reason for being. For example:

  • Why do I hold certain conversations and not others?
  • What makes this one worthy of my energy and time?
  • How would things unfold if I didn't bring up the issue?
  • What are the consequences of this decision, pro and con?

  A lot goes into the decision for me and, I hope, for you. Because whether and how I express myself, listen, acknowledge you (if I do), and look for mutual ground (or not), says a lot about who I am...

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• September 11, 2018
  11Sep2018

  When There's a Failure to Communicate: Choose Love

  

  We appear to be taking sides on everything.

  • Immigration
  • Gun control
  • The economy
  • Our schools
  • Workplace and family issues 

  Even Nike commercials. 

  We've stopped talking with each other. And we must find a way to reverse this trend--somehow....

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• June 19, 2018
  19Jun2018

  Making "I Statements" Easy: A Feeling, A Need, A Request

  

  Reading a recent online post, I was struck by the author's thoughts on the "I-statement." She was referring to the sometimes tricky communication technique by which I express to you a need, a feeling, or a request, by putting the responsibility for clarity or understanding on myself, rather than on you. It helps me communicate the impact of your behavior, whether positive or otherwise.

  Think of a recent verbal conflict. Did you make accusations like "You always ___! You never ___! You are such a ___! You make me feel ___!"

  Notice how the focus of those statements is on the other person--the "you" you are facing in the fight. An "I" statement shifts the focus and helps you express what's going on for you, as in, "I'm feeling surprised at your remark. I need to hear more in order to understand what's behind it. I'm asking you to elaborate." Your conflict partner is less likely to feel defensive, when you leave the "you" out. And you're more likely to connect by stating the need behind your feeling.

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• June 5, 2018
  5Jun2018

  Make That Pit Stop

  

  Race car drivers – make pit stops to go at top speed.  To get top understanding in a conversation — do the same thing.

  Many thanks to Carrol Suzuki (www.listeningbetter.com) for the gift of this post....

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• April 24, 2018
  24Apr2018

  Defusing Customer Disputes: 7 Strategies

  

  Defusing difficult or angry customers calmly and assertively benefits the company, the customer, and the service representative. Managing any difficult situation requires clear communication and intention. You improve with practice. And the rewards, both in terms of personal comfort and bottom line profit, are great. The key lies in your ability to manage yourself so that you can manage and support the customer.

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• March 27, 2018
  27Mar2018

  Aikido Off the Mat: Tenkan and Acknowledgment

  

  (from my new book, Turn Enemies Into Allies: The Art of Peace in the Workplace, to be published April 2019, by Career Press)

  Quite a few Ki Moments posts over the years have focused on the power of acknowledgment in difficult conversations. I've even called it the "secret sauce" on occasion, because acknowledgment demonstrates respect for my partner’s position, and respect is a powerful thing.

  In aikido, there’s a body movement called tenkan, most often translated as “convert” or “change.” Tenkan “converts” the aikido attack into energy I can use, and is a physical embodiment of acknowledgment...

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• February 14, 2017
  14Feb2017

  Conflict as a Gift

  

  A key belief and teaching in conflict resolution is that conflict can be useful--an opportunity to learn, grow and see something the conflict is trying to show us.

  Why then do we run from conflict or turn it into life- and relationship-threatening wars? Why do we behave as if conflict is the opposite of a gift--a terrible, negative thing? Some reasons are fear, poor role models, and lack of skill, to name a few...

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