You spent time and energy preparing and holding an important conversation. You developed a useful purpose, acknowledged your conversation partner, and framed your message with skill. But, in spite of your best efforts, the situation does not improve: a direct report continues to be disrespectful; an important member of the team persists in showing up late or not at all; your teen's room remains a mess.

1. It may take time - and more than one attempt at communication - for change to take place. Don't expect your partner to have your skill or level of awareness. You may need to try other methods of communicating.

2. Remember to connect your message to your partner's goals. You cannot motivate people. They are already motivated - by something. How does what you're asking for relate to what this person wants?

3. Stay interested. Even as you assert yourself, remain curious. You can ask, "Why isn't he getting this?" with judgment and contempt, or with fascination. Continue to look at each situation with new eyes. Be careful not to judge too quickly.

4. Center yourself and extend positive energy. In aikido, we center and extend our life energy (ki) to meet the attacker and redirect him. In life and business, you do the same thing when your language and manner are poised, when you exercise power and compassion, and when you lead without force.

5. You may not get your point across, ever. But you can remain respectful, interested, and on point. You can also employ your company's performance management system as early in the process as possible and hold your staff accountable to its guidelines, making sure a problem employee understands the consequences of the road he is traveling.

At home, if getting your point across with your teen means gaining agreement, you will almost never succeed. However, you can set limits and expectations. For example, "I hear you when you say your friends stay out until midnight. Nevertheless, your curfew is 11:00." ...

"But, Mom! ..."

"I realize this seems harsh to you. But I expect you to be home by 11:00."

Establishing limits and consequences is often a more practical way to be heard than requiring agreement or understanding.

Winning a contest and solving a problem are usually two different things. When you find yourself up against resistance, stop and ask whether it's the winning or the solving you're most interested in.

Want more practice? Sign up for Managing Difficult Conversations, our one-day workshop on October 18. Register before October 13, for Early Bird tuition.

Increase confidence. Reinforce skills. Graduates of past workshops, register as an "ALUM" and save!

October 18, 9 - 4, Portsmouth, NH
WE HAVE TO TALK: MANAGING DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS
Gain skills and confidence expressing yourself, acknowledging others, and turning difficult conversations into learning conversations.

December 12, 9 - 4, Portsmouth, NH
THE MAGIC OF CONFLICT
Using Thomas Crum's aiki approach to dealing with conflict, learn to transform your workplace and family relationships by managing yourself and your reactions.

Visit judyringer.com for details and registration information.

My friend and colleague, Dr. Tammy Lenski, also enjoys teaching and writing about conflict and communication. Recently her blog contained an insightful article on "Getting Heard at Work: What to Say When You Don't Feel Heard." It reinforces what we've been talking about in Ki Moments these last few months.

Read Tammy's article

On Thursday, Oct. 5, at 8 PM EST, you can listen (or call) in when Susan Morris of KZSU radio interviews me on how to manage difficult communication. Her weekly talk radio show, "What Would Your Mother Say?" offers college students an opportunity to ask advice from mothers and other experts on life issues.

On Oct. 5, at 8 PM EST, you can listen online at KZSU.

Since its release in April, Unlikely Teachers: Finding the Hidden Gifts in Daily Conflict has been a regular bestseller at RiverRun Bookstore in Portsmouth. If you haven't read it and live locally, stop by RiverRun, ask for a copy, and say hello for me!

Read a chapter from Unlikely Teachers

Judy Ringer
Power & Presence Training
76 Park Street
Portsmouth, NH 03801
voice: 603.431.8560
website: www.judyringer.com

Judy Ringer is Founder of Power & Presence Training, a Portsmouth, NH company specializing in unique workshops to help you and your organization manage conflict, communicate effectively, and co-create a more positive work environment. E-mail Judy at judy@judyringer.com for a free initial meeting to discuss your training needs.

Ki (from Ai-ki-do) is Japanese for life energy. Ki Moments is a complimentary monthly "e-zine" with tips and how-to articles to help you manage the key moments in your life.

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email: judy@judyringer.com

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