My friend is going through a difficult divorce. In a recent phone conversation I asked a question, wanting to help, and immediately realized I'd said exactly the wrong thing. I'd unintentionally made my friend feel like the last ally she had in the world was also against her.

I took my words back in every way I could, but they were out there. Making matters worse was the long distance between us, and the fact that she couldn't see my face and I couldn't offer a hug. I so wished I'd held my tongue.

By the end of the conversation, she understood I'd been trying to help, and we hung up friends. But of course I woke up the next morning still feeling regret at having added weight, even momentarily, to someone already struggling to stay afloat.

Blaming versus Learning
What do you tell yourself when you say or do something you regret? Does the inner critic run amok, calling you every name in the book and maybe even trying to blame the other person -- the victim of your gaffe? I know my critic does these things.

Over the years, I've learned some ways to practice inner self-defense.

I listen, first to the critic's story and then to the centered, wise person who is also present, the one who says, "Yes, I did that," and accepts it.

I talk - to friends, family, and others who know and understand the good faith and positive intention behind my action -- and can help me remember it.

I tell myself another story, one that sheds light on why I did what I did and how I might learn from it and take more fitting action next time. The key moment arrives when I stop blaming myself. Blame prevents change. Learning promotes it. When I stop blaming, I can begin to learn.

I apologize, if I haven't already.

I believe in the saying that behind every cloud there's a silver lining. And in every conflict there is a gift. I say "Thank you," and wait for the gift to show itself.

Listen to Judy sing Look for the Silver Lining

Learn to direct the energy of conflict instead of reacting to it.

In this interactive and experiential one-day public workshop, the emphasis is on regaining your power in conflict situations. Employing principles from the martial art aikido along with techniques and strategies for effective communication, you will discover how to transform daily challenges into opportunities to strengthen relationships at work and at home, and have fun doing it.

What makes difficult conversations so hard? And what attitudes and skills can be developed to improve the process? This one-day public workshop introduces new strategies for dealing with tough topics, sharing difficult information, and managing interpersonal conflict through inquiry, advocacy and acknowledgment.

Begin to turn your difficult conversations into opportunities to develop personally, advance professionally, and improve the quality of your interactions.

Do you have burning questions you'd like answered about conflict? Visit our new website: ConflictQuestions.com and ask away! Judy will reply with suggestions and support. You can also email judy@judyringer.com.

Judy Ringer
Power & Presence Training
76 Park Street
Portsmouth, NH 03801
voice: 603.431.8560
website: www.judyringer.com

Judy Ringer is Founder of Power & Presence Training, a Portsmouth, NH company specializing in unique workshops to help you and your organization manage conflict, communicate effectively, and co-create a more positive work environment. E-mail Judy at judy@judyringer.com for a free initial meeting to discuss your training needs.

Ki (from Ai-ki-do) is Japanese for life energy. Ki Moments is a complimentary monthly "e-zine" with tips and how-to articles to help you manage the key moments in your life.

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email: judy@judyringer.com

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web: http://www.judyringer.com