One of the most commonly downloaded free articles on
judyringer.com is called, "We Have to Talk: A Step by Step Checklist for Difficult Conversations." It's been in more company newsletters than I can count, including
The Systems Thinker, published by Pegasus Communications.
Recently, one media source condensed my checklist into the following easily digestible 260-word short. Enjoy! Then pick a conversation you've been putting off and free up your ki.
A Checklist for Difficult Conversations
The majority of the work in any conflict conversation is work you do on yourself. No matter how well the conversation begins, staying in charge of yourself, your purpose, and your emotional energy is key to a successful outcome. Prepare for a conversation you've been putting off by clarifying your intentions and assumptions. Then follow this 4-step model designed to help you stay centered so you can constructively shape how you are and what you say.
Step #1: Inquiry
Cultivate an attitude of discovery and curiosity. Pretend you don't know anything (you really don't), and try to learn as much as possible about your opponent/partner and his or her point of view.
Step #2: Acknowledgment
Acknowledgment means showing that you've heard and understood. Try to understand the other person so well you can make his argument for him. Then do it. Explain back to him what you think he's really going for.
Step #3: Advocacy
When you sense that your "opponent" has expressed all their energy on the topic, it's your turn. What can you see from your perspective that they have missed? Help clarify your position without minimizing theirs.
Step #4: Problem-Solving
Now you're ready to begin building solutions. Brainstorming and continued inquiry are useful. Ask your opponent/partner what he thinks would work. Whatever he says, find something that you like and build on it. If the conversation becomes adversarial, go back to inquiry.
Practice, Practice, Practice
The art of conversation is like any art--with continued practice, you acquire skill and ease.
There is a new blog on the internet that you might be interested in. Judy Warner, Ellen Stapenhorst, and I have begun a mind/body centering blog. In addition to our own work in the world, Judy, Ellen, and I all practice aikido and are all trainers at Tom Crum's "Journey to Center" program each September in Peaceful Valley, CO. 
