This is the fifth and last in a series of brief articles on Holding Difficult Conversations. In September's Ki Moments, I suggested ways to open communications that create mutual respect. In October, we talked about the importance of knowing your purpose for the conversation, and in November and December, we added Inquiry and Advocacy to your conversational toolbox.

Now you're ready to begin building solutions. By being curious and interested in your opponent/partner's point of view, you learned what is important and how things look on her planet. You also advocated for yourself in ways that supported her hearing what you had to say. Now put the pieces of the puzzle together.

Begin by brainstorming. Ask your partner what she thinks might work. Suggest some ideas of your own. Listen and acknowledge. Whatever she says, find something that you like and build on that. For example, "I like your idea about inviting each staff member to comment on the proposal. Could we do that in staff meeting instead of by email? What do you think?"

If the conversation turns adversarial, go back to inquiry, your mutual purpose, and respect. Asking for the other's thoughts usually creates safety, and she will be more willing to engage. If you've been successful in centering, adjusting your attitude, and in engaging with inquiry and useful purpose, building sustainable solutions will be easy.

As the conversation ends, thank your partner for her willingness to engage, and acknowledge what you have achieved together and how it will help you handle these kinds of issues in the future. The more you practice, the easier it will be to bring up difficult topics and to receive with grace the ones that come your way unexpectedly.

Please let me know what other topics you would like to explore in Ki Moments. Good luck and good communication!

My book - Unlikely Teachers: Finding the Hidden Gifts in Daily Conflict, is at the editor's for final review before going to the printer. By next month I hope to be sharing with you how to order it. Hard to believe! Thanks for your encouragement and support.

Start your year off sliding and flowing gracefully through life!!

My friend and colleague, Tom Crum, offers his unique program of skiing, snowboarding, learning, living and loving life in the winter wonderland of Aspen and Snowmass, Colorado, February 4-11.

Last year I gave a tele-seminar on resilience with fellow writer, Sandy Davis. Sandy continues to offer effective programs to help you become more resilient and stay that way. In March he will offer a three- month intensive called The Resilience Game. He has also organized an ongoing "community of practice" called The Resilience Circle that meets every two weeks by telephone. And watch for Sandy's forthcoming book, Zillience! How to Succeed in Business without Really Frying.

Many of the principles reflected in Ki Moments come from aikido, the Japanese martial art that teaches self-defense through the redirection of energy.

If you're interested in learning aikido, Portsmouth Aikido is an ongoing martial arts school located at the Seacoast Family Y in Portsmouth. Classes are held on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 7:45 p.m., and Sundays at 1:00 and 2:15 p.m. You can stop by anytime and watch a class. Or visit our web site - http://www.portsmouthaikido.com - for more information.

The next Aikido Beginner Class will start January 15. The six-week course will run through February 19, from 1:00 to 2:00 p.m. each Sunday. The cost is $65.00 per person for the course and includes a Portsmouth Aikido t-shirt. Anyone aged 12 or older is welcome.

Judy Ringer
Power & Presence Training
76 Park Street
Portsmouth, NH 03801
voice: 603.431.8560
website: www.judyringer.com

Judy Ringer is Founder of Power & Presence Training, a Portsmouth, NH company specializing in unique workshops to help you and your organization manage conflict, communicate effectively, and co-create a more positive work environment. E-mail Judy at judy@judyringer.com for a free initial meeting to discuss your training needs.

Ki (from Ai-ki-do) is Japanese for life energy. Ki Moments is a complimentary monthly "e- zine" with tips and how-to articles to help you manage the key moments in your life.

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